Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
