I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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