How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
