Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
