i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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