i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
