If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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