You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
