Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
