Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
