we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
