just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize