I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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