I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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