oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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