You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
