I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
