I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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