everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
