Jerry, you need to find god
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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