do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
