Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
