She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
