please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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