I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
