I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
