Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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