So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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