i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
