how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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