is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
