he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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