I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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