do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
