Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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