i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
