man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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