he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
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