HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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