she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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