I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
