at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm like, not good at living.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
