If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
