I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
being pregnant is like rehab
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
