ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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