I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
