well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
