I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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