I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
