apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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