...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
