I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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