it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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