That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
