we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
